"A letter from my SCHOOLMATE slash EX-CLASSMATE slash EX-FRIEND slash EX-TATAY. He send it to me via yahoo mail last February 14, 2012".
Don’t
get me wrong. You have made me very happy just by sharing yourself and your
life with me. The memories will stay in my heart forever. From the time we
first started going out and up until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it
is to be really cared for and cherished. At the same time you have managed
somehow my worst always reminding me that I’m the best and truly the one that
you’ve dreamed of and no one else’s. I thank you for that. You made me see how
two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true lovers could
be. For the moments that we’ve shared, the tears the laughter and the
memories, thank you.
We
have dreamed together. Laughed together. Whenever I needed your comfort and
strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. Our
relationship has gone through a lot of things ranging from the serious (“I hate
to admit it to you outright but for me you are my boyfriend.”) to the stupid
and we were able to weather the storms together, you and I mainly because we
knew how to properly steer the relationship back to its proper course.
I
guess the only thing that went wrong is the accompanying issues of where this
relationship is really headed and the roles we will actually play in each
other’s lives.
No
one to blame. Not you, nor me, nor whoever else is sharing you with me, maybe
I’m just a victim of circumstance like you. And since the circumstances
surrounding our relationship have changed, I don’t anymore know if I can handle
things the same way I’ve handled them before. Your presence and your help will
not matter, and only time calls heal the wounds and damaged that this caused
me. Seeing you and being with you when we spend time together gives me a
certain kind of happiness only you can give. But every time you leave me, my
heart breaks, knowing for certain that you also have to attain your dreams and
will.
I am
hurting and I have to heal my wounds alone. I cannot do this with you in my
life, because every time you leave me, the pain recurs.
I
will miss you. I will miss you very, very, very much. But contrary to what I
used to believe, I’m not as tough as I thought I would be. I try so hard to be
strong, to think that other relationships you have with them do not matter, but
they do matte, a lot. So I have to let you go now. I do not want to do
this but I must. I know I’ll be hurting myself more by saying goodbye to you
now, but I am unable to continue as if things haven’t changed.
I
have to expect the worst so that I’ll be ready. But the expectations
and assumptions do not compare to reality. No matter how I tried to accept
things as they were, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself, the pain
really strikes me every time I think of what happen.
I
love you so much I really do it hurts to say goodbye. But I am ashamed to admit
that no matter how much I love you, no matter how deep my feelings already are
for you, I cannot stay in the relationship anymore and fight for you, for us.
What is there to fight for? My love for you, which you do not want to
acknowledge? A future with you which looks very uncertain at this time? It is
difficult to stay and fight when I know and it’s obvious to my part that you
can’t anymore.
Maybe
I did unconsciously change the rules in the middle of the relationship. I know
and I acknowledge that I am fully to blame for everything. I was forewarned. I
knew what I was getting myself into. But as the months have passed, maybe the
attachment grew stronger. My appreciation of your companionship bred feelings
and thoughts that couldn’t control and are now the cause of this
pain. I thought you could shelter me forever that you would be careful that
I wouldn’t get hurt. But carelessness on your end, and too much
snooping at my end to be lethal.
I
have changed. I am hurting and I wasn’t hurting before. I am becoming
more critical of you and the things that you do and do not do. I expect you to
make up for everything that has happened because I still believe that given the
fact that we have been in our relationship longer, I will come first. I will be
given more attention. I will be the “primus inter pares’ the first among
equals. I even harbor the hope that you will try to court me and win me back
fully, something which I know will never happen. I have faults coz I expected a
lot from you.
You
will forever be a part of my life, thank you for making me a part of yours. I
will always remember you and the past months with a smile and with wistfulness.
I am afraid that if I stay, something will be destroyed, either be part of you,
a part of me, our friendship or the relationship itself. I don’t really know.
At least by leaving now, I am sure that everything remains intact, the
relationship beautiful untouched unmarred by jealousy and hatred we both don’t
deserve a relationship that would always be fraught with questions and
conditions. I am unable to see myself as a true-blue kept man anyway. I’m tired
of waiting for your actions, coz the moment this things gets longer, the more I
am going to lose myself.
I
cannot hold on to something I don’t believe in anymore. I would have been
really nice to grow old with you to laugh with you while reminiscing about the
years that have passed to share with you my whole life, and I would share with
you mine. But I guess now is not right time for us, or maybe we’re just not
meant to be really together, now or forever, I don’t really know. You deserve
someone who will fully understand your needs and your personality.
I
love you… I Love you very, very much. I don’t want to leave just yet, but
I really feel that I have to, coz everything that happens now is just a cycle.
Thank you very much for always being there for me when I needed you most. Thank
you for sharing yourself with me, if only for a few months of your
life. In fact, my life will never be the same without you in it, I miss
you the whole you.
You
have been the love of my life without me expecting it. Maybe when our paths
meet again, we would be both ready for whatever we really meant to be. Friends,
lovers, husband and husband we’ll see only time will tell...
I’ll
miss you and I love you so much...
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