EXPECT LESS

When you least expect, something great might come along. Something better than you even planned for.If you want to avoid disappointments, expect less. As a person, I think of the worst happenings first, before the good ones. When it happens, it won’t shock or hurt me anymore. Sometimes when you’re good at one thing, people tend to expect more from you. Like everything you do "NEEDS'' to be stronger and stronger each time. They think that it’s easy for you to do such things but the little they know, it’s already pressuring you to push yourself more and more just to please them.

Parents expect high from their children. When the child doesn’t meet their expectations, they tend to compare their child to other children. And it hurts for the child to hear such things. Even if the point of being compared is to challenge the child, it doesn’t come out that way. It would only hurt their feelings. My parents always compare me to other kids, and I was thinking, they should just support me rather than rubbing it to my face that they’re better and I am useless. Anyway, I just hate being compared and put into high expectations.

I believe that when you expect less, good things come out from it

A night to be cherish...

I didn’t expect that those people that I abandoned before will be the same people who will be by my side when I needed a friend to lean on…nakakatouch sobra…kanina while waiting for my turn to defend my SO-CALLED “PROPOSED SYSTEM”.  There are group of friends (actually there are my classmates : Loydie, Lorat, Ash, Gab, Rea and yung boyfriend ni Ash we used to call them as PUCHOS)na lumapit sakin to pray for me, I’m so blessed that I have them because of them mas lalong nag-ignite yung drive ko to pass that fucking system study. Well, at the very first place they asked me to be their groupmate but because of giving too much importance for tainted friendship I’ve refused their offer.

Hmmm actually as of now I have this a little regret in my heart na sana I just broke my promise na lang with her  edi sana I am enjoying my entire S.A.D. life with this people.

But then, I am already here all I have to do is to fight to pass this subject. I know I’m so ambitious to think na magagawa ko to but who knows we’ll see on FINAL ORAL DEFENSE…

Thanks sa lahat ng mga taong sumusuporta sakin salamat talaga...

A Goodbye Letter :'(

"A letter from my SCHOOLMATE slash EX-CLASSMATE slash EX-FRIEND slash EX-TATAY. He send it to me via yahoo mail last February 14, 2012".

Goodbye for now, not for forever. I am fairly sure our paths will continue to meet. Maybe someday we’ll be better and prepared for whatever comes our way, but I cannot anymore handle the pain you have unknowingly caused me.

Don’t get me wrong. You have made me very happy just by sharing yourself and your life with me. The memories will stay in my heart forever. From the time we first started going out and up until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it is to be really cared for and cherished. At the same time you have managed somehow my worst always reminding me that I’m the best and truly the one that you’ve dreamed of and no one else’s. I thank you for that. You made me see how two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true lovers could be. For the moments that we’ve shared, the tears the laughter and the memories, thank you.

We have dreamed together. Laughed together. Whenever I needed your comfort and strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. Our relationship has gone through a lot of things ranging from the serious (“I hate to admit it to you outright but for me you are my boyfriend.”) to the stupid and we were able to weather the storms together, you and I mainly because we knew how to properly steer the relationship back to its proper course.

I guess the only thing that went wrong is the accompanying issues of where this relationship is really headed and the roles we will actually play in each other’s lives.

No one to blame. Not you, nor me, nor whoever else is sharing you with me, maybe I’m just a victim of circumstance like you. And since the circumstances surrounding our relationship have changed, I don’t anymore know if I can handle things the same way I’ve handled them before. Your presence and your help will not matter, and only time calls heal the wounds and damaged that this caused me. Seeing you and being with you when we spend time together gives me a certain kind of happiness only you can give. But every time you leave me, my heart breaks, knowing for certain that you also have to attain your dreams and will.

I am hurting and I have to heal my wounds alone. I cannot do this with you in my life, because every time you leave me, the pain recurs.

I will miss you. I will miss you very, very, very much. But contrary to what I used to believe, I’m not as tough as I thought I would be. I try so hard to be strong, to think that other relationships you have with them do not matter, but they do matte, a lot. So I have to let you go now. I do not want to do this but I must. I know I’ll be hurting myself more by saying goodbye to you now, but I am unable to continue as if things haven’t changed.

I have to expect the worst so that I’ll be ready. But the expectations and assumptions do not compare to reality. No matter how I tried to accept things as they were, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself, the pain really strikes me every time I think of what happen.

I love you so much I really do it hurts to say goodbye. But I am ashamed to admit that no matter how much I love you, no matter how deep my feelings already are for you, I cannot stay in the relationship anymore and fight for you, for us. What is there to fight for? My love for you, which you do not want to acknowledge? A future with you which looks very uncertain at this time? It is difficult to stay and fight when I know and it’s obvious to my part that you can’t anymore.

Maybe I did unconsciously change the rules in the middle of the relationship. I know and I acknowledge that I am fully to blame for everything. I was forewarned. I knew what I was getting myself into. But as the months have passed, maybe the attachment grew stronger. My appreciation of your companionship bred feelings and thoughts that couldn’t control and are now the cause of this pain. I thought you could shelter me forever that you would be careful that I wouldn’t get hurt. But carelessness on your end, and too much snooping at my end to be lethal.

I have changed. I am hurting and I wasn’t hurting before. I am becoming more critical of you and the things that you do and do not do. I expect you to make up for everything that has happened because I still believe that given the fact that we have been in our relationship longer, I will come first. I will be given more attention. I will be the “primus inter pares’ the first among equals. I even harbor the hope that you will try to court me and win me back fully, something which I know will never happen. I have faults coz I expected a lot from you.

You will forever be a part of my life, thank you for making me a part of yours. I will always remember you and the past months with a smile and with wistfulness. I am afraid that if I stay, something will be destroyed, either be part of you, a part of me, our friendship or the relationship itself. I don’t really know. At least by leaving now, I am sure that everything remains intact, the relationship beautiful untouched unmarred by jealousy and hatred we both don’t deserve a relationship that would always be fraught with questions and conditions. I am unable to see myself as a true-blue kept man anyway. I’m tired of waiting for your actions, coz the moment this things gets longer, the more I am going to lose myself.

I cannot hold on to something I don’t believe in anymore. I would have been really nice to grow old with you to laugh with you while reminiscing about the years that have passed to share with you my whole life, and I would share with you mine. But I guess now is not right time for us, or maybe we’re just not meant to be really together, now or forever, I don’t really know. You deserve someone who will fully understand your needs and your personality.

I love you… I Love you very, very much. I don’t want to leave just yet, but I really feel that I have to, coz everything that happens now is just a cycle. Thank you very much for always being there for me when I needed you most. Thank you for sharing yourself with me, if only for a few months of your life. In fact, my life will never be the same without you in it, I miss you the whole you.

You have been the love of my life without me expecting it. Maybe when our paths meet again, we would be both ready for whatever we really meant to be. Friends, lovers, husband and husband we’ll see only time will tell...

I’ll miss you and I love you so much...

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I don’t know what to do or what to type. Don’t know why I’m feeling so down. Why am I carrying a heavy burden in my chest right now. Don’t know why I care too much. Don’t know why I keep silent even though I know I should have shoveled it in right now. I don’t understand why these tears keep on falling even though I fight it, I just can’t. I hate crying, I really do. It’s just that these feelings make it harder and harder for me to focus. I wanna be numb. I don’t wanna feel anything for a day. I just wanna feel nothing. Free me from this emotion. Just for a day ‘cause when I start to feel something, I just feel pain.

One-Man-Team

Well, I know nagtataka kayo kung saan ko nakukuha yung lakas ng loob ko ngayon? alam ko sa totoong industry di kakayanin ng iisang taong lang aa gumawa ng isang system and well isa akong mayabang na estudyante at nagawa kong maisip na kaya kong gawin to ng mag-isa. Ito lang naman yung reason dyan ee :

wala naman nakong magagawa ee. I am not a QUITTER I know I used to say mahirap or kaya naman   nakakatamad nasasabi ko yun kasi di na kinakaya ng katawan ko pero I know deep inside of me I know I can make it. I know my mind can make it even at my lowest point. And di ako isang klase ng bata na sumusuko na lang mag-isa, ayaw kong tanggapin na Ma-DROP lang ako ng walang napapatunyan o kaya naman di ko man lang napigilan yung pagbagsak ko.

I know my capabilities above anything else. I know myself more than anything else. I know my weaknesses and  strengths. So kung di ko man lang sinubukan na lumaban hanggang dulo ee napakatanga ko. Walang masama kung hindi ko ipaglalaban to, walang masama kung susubukan ko, walang masama kung gawin ko to. Nandito na ko naiipit na ko sa sitwasyon na to hindi nako susuko.

Isa pa, may mga taong naniniwala sa kakayahan ko, may mga taong sumusuporta sa akin, may mga taong umaasa na makakaya ko, so hindi ko sisisrain yung pagtitiwala na ibinibigay nila sa akin.

Kung ano man ang mangyari sa laban na to well all i have to do is to ACCEPT. 

IM THE BEST CANCER EVER

************************************************************


well all I can say is let this game be started...watch me I can be a CANCER that will KILL ALL OF YOU..
YOU...ALL OF YOU ARE BITCH....

wala kang utang na loob aa...paalala lang aa...
kung hindi dahil sa CANCER NA TO..WALA PA DIN KAYONG SYSTEM NA GINAGAWA

kung hindi dahil sa CANCER NA TO..WALA KA.

kung hindi dahil sa CANCER NA TO..WALA KAYONG MAIPREPRESENT.

kung hindi dahil sa CANCER NA TO..WALA KAYO SA KUNG ANONG MERON KAYO.

PAALALA LANG WALA KANG NI.ISANG NAITULONG SA SYSTEM NA YAN...

WELL, ganto na lang di ako kasi yung TIPO NG TAO NA MAGPAPATALO LANG BASTA-BASTA EE...

ALL OF YOU CAN BE FAILED IN S.A.D. IF I WANT...WATCH OUT I CAN DO IT...

The Real Me

This year puros problema yung kinakaharap ko. Alam ko tests lang ang lahat ng mga ito, challenge sakin para mas maging mabuting tao. Pero honestly, hindi ko na alam kung paano ko ito haharapin ng buong tapang…hindi ko na alam kung dapat ko pa bang ipaglaban yung prinsipyo ko sa buhay…hindi ko na alam kung dapat ko pa bang ipagpatuloy yung mga bagay na nasimulan ko na…hindi ko na alam kung tatanggapin ko na lang na isuka ako ng mga taong di nakakaintindi kung sino ako.

                Hindi ko sila masisisi kung bakit hindi nila ako maintindihan pero ganto na talaga ako sarado nako sa pakikipag-kaibigan, iba kasi yung pagkakahulugan ko sa salitang kaibigan ee. Para sakin kasi di ibig sabihin na nagtawanan tayo at nagkwentuhan ee Friends na tayo. Hindi naman ako ganun kasuplado para di makipag-usap kapag kinausap ako, pero ako kasi yung klase ng tao na di unang nanamansin, hindi dahil choosy ako kundi ayaw ko kasing nasasabihan na Feeling Close ako. If you won’t say hi to me I don’t care kasi you’re not important to me naman ee. In case na nagkasalubong tayo sa hallway di ako magtatampo or magiging bitter kapag di mo ako binate kasi for me those people I consider them as Nothing. Andyan ka man o wala patuloy pa rin yung takbo ng buhay ko. Patuloy pa rin yung agos nito.

                Salamat sa mga taong kino-consider ako na kaibigan kahit para sakin ee di ko sila kaibigan maraming salamat on the other way Sorry kasi di ko kayang suklian yun. Siguro kung nakilala mo ako nung high school siguro sasabihin mo na Fake tong nararamdaman ko. Kasi nakilala ako nung high school na Friendly in fact I’ve been elected as Student Council President kasi kilala ako sa buong campus not because matalino ako, or dahil gwapo ako, nanalo ako kasi kilala ako ng mga schoolmate ko…well, siguro they think na masipag ako, mabait ako…well di naman sa pagmamayabang pero Oo ganun din naman yung tingin ko sa sarili ko noon. Pero nung pumasok ako sa PUP lahat ng to ee nagbago, lahat ng to naging kabaliktaran, lahat ng to naglaho , nawala sa sistema ko. Di ko na masyadong idedetalye kung ano ba talagang nangyari nung 1^st year ko sa college pero ito yung dahilan kung bakit di ako nagtitiwala basta basta sa mga taong kakakilala ko lang. Well alam ko yung iba iniisip kung bakit marami naman akong kaibigan ngayon dahil yank ay Quennie, Sabh at kay Sheen Mae we are friends since high school. Kaya nung pagbalik ko sa PUP ipinakilala nila ako sa mga kaibigan nila at itunuring na di iba. Lalo na’t kakasimula pa lang ng re-shuffle nun kaya dahil sa kanila di ako nahirapan na makapag-adjust sa pagbabalik ko sa PUP. Pero  ngayon bumabalik ulit yung gantong pagkakataon may mga taong gusto nila na ituring ko silang kaibigan ko. Ituring ko silang di iba. Ituring ko silang pamilya. Pero kasi di pwede…di pwedeng ganun… kontento ako kung sino na mga kaibigan ko. Kontento nako sa mga meron ako…kaya di pwedeng ganun…di nila pwedeng pamilya turing ko sayo kaya sana ganun rin yung ituring mo sakin. Pero di naman nangangahulugan na di ko itinuturing na kaibigan ee masama na pakikitungo ko sa kanila at di yun isang kaplastikan meron lang sigurong boundaries merong limitations yung kaya kung ioffer sa kanila. Kaya ko naman makipag-usap at makipag-tawanan ng walang attachment sa isa’t isa after ng conversion natin your still nothing pero it doesn’t mean na pinaplastik it’s just that I am not open to be your friend. Yun lang yun. I can work with you pero pure work if you will give a joke sasakay ako, tatawa ako pero hanggang dun lang yun.

                Alam ko habang binabasa nyo maraming tumatakbo sa isipan nyo andyan yung napaka.taas naman ng tingin ng taong to sa sarili nya, andyan yung napakataas ng pride ko, may standard ako sa pakikipag-kaibigan. Alam ko sasabihin nyo rin na di ako uunlad sa ganitong pag-uugali. Sinusubukan kong baguhin to pero wala talaga meron talagang nagtutulak sakin na wag masyadong magtiwala sa ibang tao…fresh pa kasi sakin yung mga nangyari noon takot ako na masaktan ulit. Takot ako na magtiwala ulit and at the end of the day lolokohin lang ako. Takot ako mawalan ng kaibigan. Kung pwede nga lang lahat ng taong makakasalamuha ko ee ipapabasa ko muna to ee. Pero di pwede yun alam ko kailangan  natin makisama sa mga taong nakapaligid satin dir in naman pwedeng sila lagi ang mag-aadjust para lang sayo. Alam ko yun di ko naman sinasabi sainyo na pagsilbihan nyo ko, kausapin nyo ko lagi ee wala naman akong pakialam kung kausapin nyo ako o hindi ee as long kasama ko mga kaibigan ko ee Masaya na ko nun, kontento nako nun, kahit nga isang buong araw na magtitigan tayo ee kaya ko ee. Kasi para sakin wala ka lang.